How Do We Get Comfortable in Solitude?
I believe our fear of being alone or being perceived as alone holds us back from living our truth or stepping into the life that is truly meant to serve us. Oh gosh, I sound so hippie. But I swear, I am standing on business!
Whenever I tell people that I love solo traveling, or that I moved to San Diego with the intention of being alone and not knowing a single soul prior, they are shocked. Of course I was not born this way, but I would like to share my experiences with you that allowed me to live a fearless life.
As an October baby, I spent my birthday by myself this year since I just moved to San Diego mid September and this kind stranger took a photo of me
When I transferred to my third high school, it was the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life. Most of the students have been at that school since they were single digit ages, and it felt so hard slotting myself into these decade long friend groups. I remember in my first year, I was so embarrassed to eat alone at lunch since I could not find anyone I remotely knew in the cafeteria that I literally pulled a Cady Heron from Mean Girls: I ate my lunch in the bathroom stalls.
I hid in the bathroom stalls during lunch because I cared about what strangers– others students at school thought about me. It became so tiring that I eventually stopped caring about how I was potentially being perceived as a loner and started eating my lunch proudly alone in the cafeteria. Genuinely though, that was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But because of that instance, I was also finally able to let go of what strangers thought of me period, and I just allowed my own moral compass to guide me in life. I became very good at keeping myself company and floating in my own thoughts without losing my mind.
My first solo trip was a week-long trip in Shanghai right after high school graduation, because none of my other friends wanted to travel or go with me. I realized I cannot allow other’s unavailability to prevent me from having a good time, so I went alone! Who knew eating alone at lunch would give me the mental capabilities to spend a week all by myself? That, of course, was only the beginning of my solo travel adventures around the world.
Aside from being alone as a necessity, it allowed me to connect not only deeper with myself, but also with the local culture that I existed in. Of course, I always love traveling with my friends, but the intention of those trips are different. You may be focusing on the friendship you have with someone more than focusing on the nuances of the space that you are in, which is totally fine as well!
As an ambivert, I am able to be a social butterfly when I want to because I love deepening my understanding of the world through interacting with others, but I also looooveeee being in my own cocoon. I feel as though we are only able to think absolutely clearly, make big decisions or be thoroughly creative when we are alone.
Me solo traveling in Porto, Portugal last year
“But Ashley, how???!!!! Where do I begin?!” My close friends would ask me. I always suggest you start small– take yourself out to lunch! If you are still scared of being perceived as being alone, try going during the late afternoon so there are less people eating out. Once you are comfortable with that, try going on a day trip somewhere! Then, a weekend trip somewhere! Start small and slowly build your way up!
Also, strangers are too caught up in their own lives to judge you! Do you even remember the last time you saw someone dining out alone? Did you laugh and judge? I think not! ‘Cause you were probably too caught up in your own bubble anyways.
Solo in NYC
When I attended one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert’s talks in San Diego last month, she referenced a quote that completely reflects how I feel about solitude. She mentioned something along the lines of that as women, our solitude is the most sacred thing to us, but the most meaningless thing to others, since other people always want our company and attention, but time by yourself is essential in living a creative and fulfilling life.
For you, reader, I would hate to see you not achieve your dreams, fear doing something, or moving somewhere just because ‘you don’t know anyone there’ or that ‘I will be the only one!’. Do not let that stop you!!!! Well, if you are my worst enemy, then I hope you are eternally stunted and afraid of being alone :P.
Back when I lived in Boston, I was certain I would be doing something extraordinary with my friends every Friday and Saturday night. Nowadays in San Diego, that is not guaranteed, and I am honestly totally fine with it. Sometimes, I will spend Friday and Saturday nights alone at a restaurant, and I am sitting there loud and proud!
Solo in San Diego!
My comfort in being alone or not being afraid of being alone has allowed me to seek my truth and see the wonders of the world on my own timeline, even if no one else I know is able to be on the same timeline as me. However, this has allowed me to make new friends and experience things I would have never imagined I would ever experience!
So, if you see a young Chinese woman dining alone in San Diego on a Friday night dressed in strappy sandals and a flowy dress, that is probably me 🙂
